


What am I , darling...

by hiddendaisy1821



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Broken Merlin, Epic Friendship, F/M, Gen, Hurt Merlin (Merlin), Immortal Merlin (Merlin), Magic Revealed, Memory Loss, No happy endings, Reincarnation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:02:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27043186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hiddendaisy1821/pseuds/hiddendaisy1821
Summary: Modern AU. Nothing remained with him in the years. Nothing, but the sands of time and all he could do is watch, as they swallowed everything he had ever known and everyone he had ever loved.
Relationships: Merlin & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin & Morgana (Merlin)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 13





	What am I , darling...

The chair creaked, as a body rested on its tired legs and hunched shoulders loomed over the small wooden desk. A simple pencil spilled the ink and formed the words on an already yellowed page. The worn-up state of the journal didn’t hide the fact that it was well loved and cared for, as its leather covers glowed against the faint light.

The person writing could be mistaken for a beggar on the street, someone who was down on their luck and were seeking solace for their thoughts. The overly large coat hung off his skinny frame didn’t help to dispel the conclusion, yet his eyes glowed and held fire, as if all it needed was a flint to come to life.

The hand moved slowly and meticulously over the paper. It carved and honed on every single letter with care, as if every word unlocked a new secret or a memory.

He didn’t write of longing, he wrote of sorrow, of missed opportunities, of great kingdoms and sad truths and even worse and tragic endings, but he could not help himself. It was a story as all others. A story of self-discovery and maybe even love, to a certain degree, but he knew one thing - at the end of it all he was never the same.

The story took place in the land far away, a world filled with magic and possibilities, but also it was the time of darkness, fear and death. It was the time of legend - one he would carve out for himself unwittingly, while helping others achieve theirs.

He remembered pieces of it only. It was like his mind tried to repress it, almost as if it wanted him to forget it all. Nothing remained with him in the years. Nothing, but the sands of time and all he could do is watch, as they swallowed everything he had ever known and everyone he had ever loved. All that remained instead was a rubble, with every grain of stone telling a tale of their own. Yet from afar it all looked the same and it covered the hollow of what remains.

It didn’t matter how the world had moved on because he was frozen in time. The world didn’t need him and he was left in its background, content to observe but never to be involved in it again. Before he was tired but now...now he just didn’t care. Maybe he even forgot how to.

The pen shook in his hand but the letters it forged were sharp and steady. It formed the usual names. Names he still held on to in his fragile mind, ones he never wanted to forget.

_Gaius…Gwen…Arthur…_

The hand stopped and he took a shallow breath before continuing.

_Morgana._

The memory of the people behind those names was long lost. He remembers simple things that that those names bring out, a feeling...

Gaius, a father like warmth and well-meant reprimand, that he could almost hear in his head.

Gwen, a feeling of comfort that brings a smile to his face and makes him want to laugh, as if she would tease him about something he now could not remember.

Arthur, a friend, no, a brother. There was something about it he could not let go. A sense of justice, of what was right and a strong need to protect filled him, but it led nowhere. Just back to that name.

His eyes skimmed the last name. His warn fingers touched each letter and his form trembled. A feeling all too familiar to him.

Horror.

Also, there was anger there. A blind fury he could almost taste on his tongue and after so many years he welcomed it. Better to feel something, anything but this nothingness.

“Morgana.”

Yet, when he spoke her name there was warmth, peace and something else he just couldn’t name.

After a moment he closed the beloved journal and traced the name on the bottom of the cover.

_Emrys._

If he only knew who that was, he thought as the usual frustration took hold of him. He flipped it to the back and another name only added to his anguish.

_Merlin._

He gripped his head as a searing pain shot through it. The journal flew to the wall and smashed on the ground. The man was lost in his head. Whispers taunting him, but he paid them no mind as the room started to shake.

“Leave me the hell alone!”

He shouted desperately before crumbling in a corner, his body folding into itself.

“Leave me alone… Just leave me alone…” the one thought voiced aloud, over and over as everything around him stilled finally.

A mantra he repeated to calm himself, to get back to reality. Time didn’t affect him he had noticed after hundreds and hundreds of years. Physically at least.

Mentally...all he knew was that he wasn’t like the others. Things he could do at times couldn’t be explained by a rational mind. There were a million questions running through his head, but one always surfaced on top.

“Who am I?”

\--oo--

**AN** : So to leave it as it is or continue, what do you guys think?


End file.
